Sometimes I feel like a Redneck

I’ve often told Rick that he is the ‘redneckest’ Yankee that I know. He reminds me pretty quickly that I have lots of redneck qualities too. Until moving over here, I thought I was quite cosmopolitan, but then I encountered the bidet.

Now, it occurs to me that either my whole family and circle of friends must be a bunch of rednecks also, or they’ve been holding out on me. I’m really anxious to hear back from Janet and Vicki on this one. I mean, after all, in my youth they are where I got all my worldly information.

Okay, for those of you who, like me, are willing to admit to being a redneck, a bidet is an additional "fixture" in the bathroom. Had I been alone or with Rick, we probably would have just thought it to be a urinal. However, my first encounter with a bidet was in Rome with Krista.

Now, she knew what it was, but sure didn’t have quite enough information to suit me. She wasn’t able to provide the answers to my questions–and believe me I had a lot of them–especially after I had all night to dream about it. Unfortunately, the bidet did not come with instructions and Krista strongly advised against contacting the concierge which I was ready to do.

Where is the internet when you need it?

I soon found that even internet access wouldn’t have been much help. I didn’t even know how to spell it correctly! beday? bidae? Who’d have thought that there was a ‘t’ in the word?

All through the night, the bidet loomed in my dreams and stirred uneasy, because I’m a girl that likes to know my surroundings. What exactly do you do with a bidet? You have the toilet for "business," the shower for cleaning your body, the lavatory or sink for your hands...what else need cleaning? I wasn’t prepared for the answer! I subsequently found out that you "mount" or "ride" a bidet. I'm so glad I didn't have this little tidbit of information at the time!

Why do the French, Italians, and obviously numerous others think that you need an extra fixture in the toilet to clean your bum and private parts? I seem to have managed quite nicely for almost fifty years without this imposing intruder in my life.

Just the whole idea of the necessity of a whole extra fixture to makes me ponder. Who uses a bidet...men or women? How do you use it? Its so low to the ground. Do you back into it or approach it head on? There he sat in the darkness. A cold, white porcelain statue resolutely clinging to knowledge that he couldn’t share.

This also brings up an interesting fact about European hotels. They don’t provide wash cloths! If you want a wash cloth, you have to take your own. My friend, Tina, inquired as to why wash cloths weren’t provided and her host advised her in hushed tones that it is because (whisper) "you wash down there." Tina advised her that she also dried down there with the towels they provided! Isn't that what washing machines are for? Personally, I think without wash cloths, when you "dry down there" its probably a lot dirtier and that makes me want to take my own towels, too! What do you think?

The bidet, the washcloths–more questions, more questions. I couldn’t remember whether or not Krista and I had wash cloths and I'd forgotten to take my own. Upon surveying the bathroom, to my dismay...more questions. There were a couple of towels on a low towel rack beside the bidet. I turned and behind me identical towels hung on the towel bar beside the lavatory. Is there a difference in a bidet towel and a hand towel? Had that innocent looking towel with which I’d just dried my face recently hung on the bidet bar? It was almost too much for this redneck girl to handle.

It was then time to go out on our Roman adventure, and I sure needed a little time to clear my head! After walking a hundred miles in Rome, when we returned to the hotel room my feet were killing me and I was hot and sticky from perspiring all day long. After all, I had a good build-up because it hasn't been warm enough here in Holland for me to work up a sweat in six months!

As I showered, I felt a little uncomfortable because I didn't have a wash cloth and my scourge, the bidet, hunkered low in the corner eyeing me. When I finished, I decided I had to come to terms with him but my feet were killing me. That's when I had a great idea...

Upon returning home to access to the computer, Wikipedia provided a wealth of information on my new nemeses, even providing pictures! In an effort to make certain that I’m not guilty of withholding information to my redneck friends and family, I’m providing the Wikipedia link for bidet. Its G-rated, but don’t click on this link unless you want to know everything!

In retrospect, I think that I was such a different person before my encounter with the bidet. Somehow I felt a little more innocent. Basically, I’ve come to the conclusion that if I need more than toilet paper, I probably just need to take a shower, but then, maybe that’s just the redneck in me.